march 9, 2005

i visit the site of one of my favorite glass artists almost daily (o.k., o.k.,  i confess, i visit the sites of several of my favorite glass artists daily, yes, daily, as in every day). this particular artist keeps a log her thoughts, adventures, frustrations, miscellaneous happenings, stories about her kids锟統ou name it锟絘nything that is on her mind or that is going on in her life.  she usually updates the site once or twice a week with these snippets.  nothing earth-shattering or terribly profound most of the time. but addictive!  personally, i look forward to checking each day to see if she has added anything new.  i love it when i discover she has posted some bit of news since my last visit.  and if i don't "hear" from her (via her site), i miss her!

it锟絪 so fun for me, i decided to steal her idea.  well, not steal, exactly.  i did get her permission first, so maybe "borrow" is a better word!  but i can't take credit for the idea and wouldn't want to try to fool you into thinking i'm that clever.  all credit goes to julie suchy.  she is a terrific writer and has a wonderful sense of humor...not to mention, she creates incredible beads!  if you would like to catch up on the happenings in her life, click...

there were two reasons i thought it might be fun to "visit" with you this way.  the first, of course, was julie.  the other was my dog, maddie.  if you have ever had a dog, you know they are really dependant on you.  they live for the moment you come home and their excitement can't be contained when you finally walk through the door.  they are all different, having various quirks and personality traits.  some of these quirks are so silly, you will find your dog to be a source of great amusement and enjoyment.  some of the things they do are mystifying.  and sometimes, they are so funny and mystifying, you have to share with someone!

which is where you come in...

you see, last sunday afternoon, i realized my heater wasn't working.  i didn't notice until the temperature started dropping, but suddenly, the house felt chilly.  i checked the thermostat and it was repeatedly flashing a warning that the batteries were low.  ah-ha!  maybe that's why it's getting cold!  so i changed the batteries...and waited.

nothing happened.  although i could hear the igniters fire up, the comforting sound of the blower didn't follow.  and when i went into the garage, i could hear this nasty electrical buzzing sound that, even to my untrained ear, sounded like money going out the door.

i said all that to say that the electric blanket became my good friend sunday evening, as did my cold shivering schnauzer.  schnauzers don't tolerate heat or cold very well.  so maddie was trying to squeeze another atom of space out from between us while i was trying to get comfortable enough to go to sleep with everything but the top of my head under the electric blanket.

it seemed like only a few minutes had passed when i was startled awake by a loud noise. more time had passed than i realized; the clock said it was 2:00 a.m.  maddie was instantly on her feet, trembling with fear (letting cold air under the covers!) so i knew i hadn't just dreamed the sound.  then i heard it again...close...really close...and i knew...

...it was the smoke detector in my bedroom... 

i don't know if you have ever had an experience with these particular smoke detectors, but i despise them!  you see, the builder put them in even though i had the alarm company install them with my alarm system.  and builders are known to be...hmmm, how can i tactfully say this? cheap.  the word is cheap (maybe that's what the stupid thing was saying in its loud, high-pitched annoying voice...cheap...cheap...cheap).  if you don't pay extra for it, it's going to be the absolute least expensive item that is available on planet earth (like my furnace, for example).  so, though they are hardwired and use the battery only as a backup source of power, when the battery dies, the smoke detector freaks out and it doesn't recover.

you see, you can change the battery, but they will never stop chirping!!  it's as if they are possessed by an alien life form!  you can't kill them! i have replaced the battery, foolishly believing they would stop making that awful noise..  ha!!!  not a chance!!!  when that didn't work, i took the battery out, hoping they would suck electricity and shut up.  what a joke!  they continue to chirp merrily as if this is their true mission in life.  the only way i have been able to get them to stop chirping is to gut and kill them...i mean...unscrew them from the ceiling, rip the wires out, unplug them, remove the battery and take them to the garage.  they still chirp for awhile (which is why i take them to the garage), but eventually they do stop.  and i know, this is what i'm going to have to do now, at 2:00 a.m. in the morning with no heat.

by this time, maddie is shaking uncontrollably and is trying to drill into my body so she can escape their evil and incessant noise.  sleep is out of the question, so i fling back the covers and brace myself against the cold air.  maddie follows at my heels, still trying to find a way to meld with my body as i turn off the alarm and retrieve the ladder from the garage.

i hate ladders.  i can handle going up a step or two.  anything above that just isn't comfortable.  but as i set the ladder up beneath the offending alarm and stared up at my 10 ft. ceiling...did i mention that i'm 5 ft. 4 inches tall?..i knew that even the 3rd step wasn't going to be high enough.  nope!  i was going to have to climb this baby all the way to the top!!!

it's probably a good thing i was desperate.  i climbed and by step number 4, i was trembling like maddie, who had disappeared into the bathroom to hide behind the toilet!  by step number 5, i was causing the ladder to shake so much, i was afraid it was going to shake me off.  i tried to reach it from there, but i couldn't.  so, i crept up to the very top and steadied myself by putting my fingers on the ceiling.  then i quickly twisted it off...it resisted me at first, but i was not to be deterred...ripped the wires apart and hugged the ladder until i was safely on the floor.  i ran to the garage, jerked the case open and gutted it (ah, i mean i took the battery out)!!!  after i folded up the ladder and returned it to its place, i went looking for maddie.

she was, indeed, wedged behind the toilet and was digging frantically at the carpet, trying to make her escape.  i tried to coax her out by telling her that i had killed the awful thing.  but she wouldn't believe me, so i had to pry her out...which wasn't easy, by the way...and carry her back to bed.  evidently she didn't have much confidence in my ability to save her.  even though i held her snuggled under the covers, she was stiff as a board and panting heavily.  she continued panting in this hyper-alert state for the next 30 minutes or so.  as i was laying there trying to comfort her, i started laughing and i couldn't stop!  and the more i thought about it, the more i laughed!  all that commotion because a low battery in a smoke detector was causing it to chirp, which terrorized my brave little schnauzer!!!

she did finally melt and i eventually drifted back to sleep.  but i was still laughing in my dreams...

march 10, 2005

i'm having my new heater installed today...whoopee!  i'm trying to whip up some enthusiasm because, when spending this much money for something i shouldn't be having to buy for another 15 years, if you don't convince yourself that you're really happy about it, you can get pretty depressed...

march 11, 2005

they finished the installation today.  maddie and i are warm and we haven't had any more encounters with possessed smoke detectors.  our adventure has ended and all that remains undone is paying for it...

march 17, 2005

if you haven't read julie's story about her dog, stink, you won't understand why my brain has taken the path it took today or why i am relating this particular story.  you see, my dog, maddie, has many nicknames (sweet, bugger, little beastie, sweetiekins, maddiekins, sweet face, kissy head...).  but one of the names i use frequently is "little stink."  sometimes i call her "stink," or "little stinker," but she is most affectionately known as the "little stink."  this gives you some idea of why my brain set off on the path it did after reading about julie's dog and how i wound up reminiscing about this particular moment in time.

if you have read my "just for fun" page, you know maddie was rescued from some people who badly mistreated and abused her.  as a result, she had some fairly big "issues" when she was first adopted.  for example, she like to "kill" pillows...and she often did a very good job of it!  but that's another story for another day. as she became more secure, she became less destructive and eventually, she was routinely letting the pillows live while just carrying them around with her to various places in the house.  when she learned routines and realized she was not going to be left alone forever, she finally settled on ripping up a piece of paper to lessen her anxiety.  and i generally settled on leaving out a paper towel to give her a handy and harmless way to vent.  before figuring this out, she earned the nickname "the jaws of death."  this was due to her amazing ability to chew, rip and demolish things you would not normally have to worry about a dog destroying.  so ripping up a paper towel was a very acceptable expression of her anxiety.  separation anxiety, to be exact.  once she had her "fit of pique" and shredded the paper towel, she was able to cope.  at least, she was able to cope most of the time.

i don't recall where i had gone, but i know i hadn't been gone a horribly long time.  i walked in the office in my home to put my purse on the desk and was surprised to see a couple of slimfast meal bar wrappers torn into pieces and scattered on the floor.  i am (always) trying to lose weight, so these serve as my lunch and i keep a box in my briefcase lest i forget to take them to work with me in the morning.  but i'm careful with things like this because i don't want maddie to swallow plastic, foil, or other foreign objects, nor do i want to temp her to eat things she shouldn't.  so i couldn't figure out where she managed to find a couple of wrappers, especially that would be within her reach.

later that evening, i noticed she was having trouble getting comfortable when she laid down.  i could hear her tummy rumbling.  my brain starts putting pieces together, but surely not!  and though i can't believe it's possible, i run to my briefcase....where suddenly, it all becomes clear.  the zipper is unzipped.  i know i checked it before i left.  i actually zipped it.  fearfully, i open it and check the slimfast box.  empty.

i panicked because i knew chocolate is not good for dogs.  but the vet on call assured me that chocolate cookie dough slimfast bars did not contain one molecule of chocolate.  in fact, they didn't contain anything that would do any permanent damage.  i needed only to let nature take her course.

after we went to bed, the rumbling became louder and more ominous.  her belly was stretched tight as a drum.  since she seems to have fairly regular stomach problems, our vet has instructed me to give her 1/2 of a pepcid ac when needed, not to exceed 1/2 of a pill per day.  luckily, she takes pills like a champ.  i went to sleep listening to the amazing tunes her tummy was belting out and woke to total tummy silence.  i was very relieved.

i get up at 4:00 a.m. so i can haul myself to work by 5:40 to 6:00 a.m. (arrival time depends on how long maddie has to spend doing border patrol as she sniffs every blade of grass and occasionally "does her thing").  this particular morning, she shot to the door like a bullet fired from a machine gun.  i always go out with her when it's dark because there is a creek behind my house and coyotes run the creek at night.  but i'm still pretty groggy at 4:00, so i'm kind of like a zombie trudging along behind her as she makes her rounds. 

i am suddenly rousted from my half-sleep as this 19 lb. dog discharging a most astounding (as in astounding!!!!) amount of gas!  even outdoors, the smell is enough to knock out a 300 lb. grizzly bear.  and as i involuntarily back away, my "little stink" cuts loose with what can only be described as projectile diarrhea!!  right before my eyes, she is shooting a three foot stream of it under high pressure..  and even in the dark, i can tell she is looking at me with a sheepish and apologetic look as her eyes beg me to save her!!!

i was late for work that morning.  we experienced quite a few more earth-shaking discharges of both types of "matter."  i knew the worst was over when she got frisky on me and let me know she was ready for breakfast.  while i am still very careful not to provide opportunity, maddie has steered clear of my briefcase and i don't think slimfast bars are the temptation they once were...at least, not the chocolate cookie dough bars.  i'm not going to let her try any other flavors, if that's okay with you.

march 20, 2005

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